Tis the Season…For 4th Quarter Profits

Chestnuts roasting over an open fire, sleigh bells ringing along a snowy lane, mistletoe hanging suggestively over a doorway, hallways decked with boughs of holly; these quaint notions represent what Christmas used to be (and how its still packaged to the sentimental and naive).

Somewhere along the line these simple, wholesome messages got lost, replaced by something more like “Get ye to the nearest Best Buy”.

Christmas is the nitrous oxide of capitalism. At the end of the yearly race for profits, the big boys of retail hit the yuletide button and sprint across the finish line flush with cash. In the last six weeks of the year, retailers typically generate 40% of their annual profits. The spending boom has a trickle-up effect, boosting corporate coffers for capitalists of all shapes and sizes—electronics manufacturers, toy companies, shipping concerns, and the financial speculators who watch it all unfold. Just about the only people not benefiting are the poor chestnut farmers who helped start it all.

These candid photos, of the once noble Santa Claus, show who he really works for…

With the true nature of the modern holiday season in mind, I propose a reworking of the Christmas carol classics to reflect the new Christmas spirit. Here are a few ideas:

Deck the Malls (Shop at Armani)

Silent Night (iPod night, headphones on, voices quiet)

Have Yourself a Visa-Enabled Christmas

Joy to the Girl (Who got Victoria’s Secret)

O’ Come all Ye Thrifty (We’re Rolling Back the Prices)

Tie a Red Ribbon Round a New Lexus*

O’ Little Store with Few Customers (While Wal-Mart’s business thrives)

*I know this isn’t a holiday song, but it works